Love Intently Podcast Episode 53

“There are a lot of folks that sort of turn into this autopilot and machine-like being, and they haven't actually really settled inside with themselves, and set an intention for what they want their life to look like. They forget that they have a choice.” Traci Ruble, MFT

If you’ve been noticing a decrease in your energy, a change in your sleep or eating patterns, more anxiety, and a more negative mindset than usual, you may be experiencing what is called burnout. Most people know burnout as overworking, but there’s more to it than that.

The next guest on the Love Intently Podcast is Traci Ruble, MFT, a relationship expert. She has been working with individuals and couples for over sixteen years in California and has been featured in Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, ABC, CBS, and NPR.  She is currently working on her first book on intimacy at home and at work.  Traci also founded and leads a global human connection project called Sidewalk Talk where over 7000 listeners sit on sidewalks in over 92 locations across 15 countries offering to listen about anything and heal our lonely and divided world.  Sidewalk Talk was recently featured in Oprah Magazine.

We kick off this interview with Traci explaining how we can notice burnout in ourselves, how to get out of it, and also how to avoid ever getting in it in the first place. In addition, we discuss what to do if you notice your partner is burnt out.

“Finding that place in you, that has a clear understanding of what you want and what you don't want, so that how you're living in your life matches up, that makes you in alignment.”

Next, we discuss the four stages every couple cycles through throughout their relationship. Sometimes, one person can be in a different stage than the other, and they never progress to the next stage, which is often when couples come to therapy. Traci breaks it all down for us so we can clearly understand what stage we’re in, as well as if therapy will actually help or if it’s time to call it quits.

For all you ambitious over-achievers out there, Traci talks to us about how we can maintain our passion for work while also having a thriving relationship. You can have both!

“I always feel that the best way to approach your partner about anything is to talk about how it impacts your connection so that it's a real vulnerable I statement.”

Then, we talk about what’s known as the “window of tolerance”. A tool used by trauma therapists, psychotherapists and others to describe how we can regulate our emotions. Sidewalk Talk uses it in their trainings for volunteers to help them learn how to feel in their body when boundaries are being crossed and they should end the conversation, but the tool can be used by anyone to regulate turbulent emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, etc.

Lastly, we talk about her non-profit Sidewalk Talk, which started with just her and 28 colleagues sitting on a sidewalk listening to and talking with strangers passing by, and now has grown to thousands of volunteers and chapters nation-wide.

How did you meet your partner?

Traci’s love story is like a movie! She met her husband when they were just 18, he was a German foreign exchange student. We won’t spoil the hilarious story about how he actually introduced himself at a party, but they became fast friends. He went back to Germany though and they lost track of each other for 12 years, until one day he decided to call the number on her dad’s business card that he had kept all these years. He emailed her, they finally met again and Traci remembers her heart leaping out of her chest, and the rest is history!

What causes burn out?

Traci explains that burn out happens not only when you are overworked, but also when you are out of alignment. You’re not living by your own values. Sophie and Traci discuss how it’s a constant practice to stay in alignment—it’s part of the practice that you will fall out of alignment sometimes. That’s ok, as long as you become aware of it and take action to get back on the right path.

Listen in to hear how Traci defines alignment and how we can get off the treadmill we’re on in life, and start taking control of our lives.

What are the stages of a relationship?

Traci explains a model that helps couples feel normal and track where they are when they're stuck in a process. It’s really important to know is that we repeat the stages many, many, many times over a relationship!

“I do fundamentally believe that being in a longterm relationship requires a growth mindset.”

Stage 1: Falling in love

Stage 2: Start noticing the differences between yourself and your partner, but it’s still charming. Not quite annoying yet.

Stage 3: Wanting to do things your way: “I’m separate than you, I want to do things my way.” You also start to notice the differences between you and your partner more prominently and they start to become annoying/irritating.

Stage 4: You start to appreciate the differences, and now you’re at a different level of respect and admiration

REPEAT!

Traci goes into each stage in detail and also shares which stage people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles get stuck in.

More in this episode

Traci tells us the three simple ways we can tell if it’s time to call it quits or keep going in our relationships. She also shares her amazing story of why weeks before her wedding she had herself and her husband write a LONG list of what they hate about each other…something most couples wouldn’t make it out of…but for them actually only strengthen their relationship even more and gave her the peace of mind to get married.

“The shared intention that we have had is to accept one another as we are, and to not spend our marriage trying to change each other.”

Traci gives us amazing insight into how she is able to keep boundaries and not experience emotional burnout by doing these sidewalk talks and therapy sessions. She gives us a mind-blowingly free and simple way that any of us can avoid burn out!

Traci’s Three Love Truths:

1) Say thank you a lot more than you currently do

2) Make a list of all the ways that you aren't so easy to live with either

3) Laugh the heck out out of that list and love yourself for it anyway!

Resources

-She needs to send graph about couples staying in stage 1 and one wants to stay in stage 3

Traci’s DIY Relationship Fix FREE webinar: http://traciruble.com/diy-relationship-fix/

Traci’s “Should We Break Up or Work on it? FREE webinar: http://traciruble.com/should-we-break-up-or-work-on-it/

Connect with Traci Ruble

Personal website

Instagram: @tracirublemft

LinkedIn

Sidewalk Talk website

Connect with Sophie and Love Intently

Take the Find Your Attachment Style Quiz to learn about your love language and attachment style to strengthen your relationship and love with intention.

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