Love Intently

View Original

How to Heal and Create Conscious Love with Dr. Sarah Schewitz

Sophie Kwok

Love Intently Podcast Episode 51

See this content in the original post

“We often develop a belief that love isn't safe, so we protect ourselves from that danger of being let down by just not fully letting the love in.” -Dr. Sarah Schewitz

There are two buzzwords that have been thrown around in the realm of dating and relationships lately that are often misused: narcissism and codependency. How do you know if you are a narcissist or codependent? How do you know if you’re dating one? Becoming more aware of ourselves requires becoming acquainted with your wounded inner child.

Dr. Sarah Schewitz is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, and founder of Couples Learn, a successful online therapy practice for individuals and couples wanting to work on love and relationships. She has been working with couples and individuals since 2008 and has advanced training in the areas of attraction, attachment, conflict management, communication, rebuilding trust after infidelity, and relationship satisfaction. 

In this episode of the Love Intently Podcast, we discuss:

  • A dialogue framework for couples that allows each partner to understand and communicate their childhood wounds with each other that are being triggered, in order to create a more conscious relationship

  • What are the red flags to look out for in a partner that indicates you should walk away from the relationship

  • How to know if you’re in a codependent relationship or dating a narcissist

  • How codependents and narcissists are two sides of the same coin, and what core childhood wound they have in common

  • How can couples maintain their identities in a relationship, rather than losing themselves?

  • What is a love template and how does it relate to our attachment styles?

  • What is Dr. Sarah’s online couples therapy Couples Learn all about and why did she start it?

  • Resources and tools other than therapy that couples can use to become more conscious in their relationship

With endless tools and resources online these days, there’s really no excuse to not take the responsibility to own your own healing journey. Often times it’s not actually a problem for us to find love—the real problem is our inability to receive love, because we do not love ourselves. The more conscious we become of why that is, the sooner we can begin to heal it, and the sooner we can find and receive the healthy, secure love we deserve and desire!

What is conscious love and how do we create it?

Dr. Sarah says that we need to override our human instincts in order to experience conscious love, as they don’t set us up for real love. They set us up for survival, protection, and reducing threat.

“Conscious love is reduced reactivity. Being able to take that pause in between when you feel hurt or when you feel angry or when you feel sad and looking within first and going, is this about something from my past? Is this about a story I'm making up about what it means? Or is it really about my partner? And if you can kind of take that minute to go within, or at least to just pause before reacting, that’s part of what goes into a conscious relationship.” -Dr. Sarah Schewitz

What is Imago therapy and how do you use it in your practice with couples?

Imago therapy gives a format for to communicate in a safe and controlled way. It allows them to communicate from empathy, validating, understanding. In this episode, we delve deeper into each of the parts in the 3-part dialogue:

1) Mirror each other

2) Validate each other

3) Show you empathize with them

With guidance of a therapist, it helps you have deeper communication around a topic. You continue asking your partner “is there more” until you finally get to the “more” that was hiding deep down from childhood.

“Don't go into a fight trying to be right, go into a fight trying to understand.”

Dr. Sarah shares three red flags to look out for where the relationship is likely not repairable

1) Cheating multiple times

2) When you bring up a healthy need or boundary and your partner gaslights you, makes you feel wrong, not hearing out your needs

3) If you’ve stopped sharing anything because you’re afraid it will start a fight

Dr. Sarah explains what a “love template” is, how it relates to our attachment styles, and how we can rewrite it

A love template or relationship template is what you made up in your mind about what love and relationships are, based on what you saw from your parents as a kid. So, if you saw an emotionally distant father and an overly involved mother, as a woman you’ll probably be attracted to emotionally distant men and have an anxious attachment style.

In order to rewrite our love templates, we need to understand what they are first, so complete the following journal prompts:

  • The way I would describe my mom and dad’s relationship is..

  • The way I remember my mom being towards my dad..

  • The way I remember my dad being towards my mom…

  • The way I would describe their physical affection..

  • The way I saw them solving problems together…

“When you're hysterical, it's historical.”

More from this episode

Tune in to hear why you’re attracted to narcissists if you’re codependent and vise vera, and what the core would of a narcissist AND a codependent is, and how they project it differently. You’ll also learn how you can maintain your own identity while being in a couple in a healthy way. Lastly, Dr. Sarah gives us tips on how we can learn to receive love.

“Part of the big process of learning how to receive love is feeling worthy of it. And in order to feel worthy of it, you need to love yourself.”

What is Couples Learn?

Couples Learn is top rated online research-based couples therapy and marriage counseling.

There’s a lot of great research available on the topic of relationships and they know exactly what makes them work and what behaviors lead to divorce or breakup. They have relationships down to a science. They can teach you everything you need to know so you can be sustain your love for the long haul. Sarah now has two partners in her business, and all three of them are licensed therapists trained in modalities for love and relationships.

Learn more at: https://coupleslearn.com/

Resources mentioned

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

Love Intently Podcast Episode 21 with Harville and Helen Hendrix

Connect with Sophie and Love Intently

Take the Find Your Attachment Style Quiz to learn about your love language and attachment style to strengthen your relationship and love with intention.