Love Intently

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I’m Secure…Now What? with Annabelle Evangeline from “Letters to My Little Sisters” blog

Sophie Kwok

Love Intently Podcast Episode 48

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“That trauma made it possible for me to take a step out of the busyness that I had created for myself in my life and grow in ways that I wouldn’t have been able to. I always try to have a growth mindset and appreciate all circumstances in this life.” -Annabelle Evangeline

Annebelle Evangeline is back for another episode! All the way back in episode 19, Sophie and Annabelle shared their journey of moving from an avoidant or anxious attachment style to a secure attachment style. A lot has happened since the last episode in 2018 for these two, with many ups and downs, including sexual trauma therapy, death of loved ones, ending of old relationships and starting new relationships. In this episode, they openly share the lessons they’ve learned along the way and focus more on what having a secure and healthy attachment style actually looks like in practice, with plenty of real-life examples.

A few highlights from the conversation:

  • What it was like for both of them actually entering a new relationship after moving from avoidant or anxious to secure attachment styles

  • How Annabelle’s best friend of 7 years became her current boyfriend by being there for her in her toughest time

  • How they’ve become more aware of their triggers in the moment and how they deal with it in a healthy way

  • The most helpful responses from their partners when they are in a triggered state

  • What it was like for Sophie to enter a new relationship while also beginning trauma therapy

“If they empower you to love yourself better, that’s a green flag rather than a red flag.” -Sophie

Annabelle’s father committed suicide and the trauma was too much for her previous relationship to bear, but it also allowed her current relationship to blossom.

Annabelle is a Los Angeles based writer and entrepreneur who believes that the key to unlocking life’s purpose is by living vulnerably, practicing creativity, and embracing community. 

She is the author of Into the Darkness: A Workbook for Trauma Survivors which was created from her own experience with mental health and sexual trauma. Since then, she has created a blog that she is turning into a book called Letters To My Little Sisters through which she shares her experiences in hopes to help other women learn from her journey.

What was the transition like from being an anxious attachment style to secure attachment style, and entering a new relationship?

Annabelle says her previous relationship taught her the level of love she deserves and is possible to have. She learned that she deserves to be with a good, honest human being. Of course, jumping into the new relationship and actually putting these learnings into practice was scary.

Sophie agrees that in the beginning of her current relationship, she had a lot of doubts, and still had avoidant and anxious tendencies.

What Annabelle says is important to remember…

“Your attachment style can change and different things can activate different sides of yourself. It’s so important to identify it, be aware of it and communicate it.” -Annabelle

How did going through trauma therapy impact your relationship?

Sophie was also going through trauma therapy at the very beginning of her relationship. It was the first partner she was committing after committing to be secure and digging through the trauma. There was a lot of anxiety, but her current boyfriend reminded her that the process she’s in now is only temporary, and he’s here to go through it with her.

On the other hand, Annabelle’s trauma broke her previous relationship. Her father had committed suicide, and in her grief it got to the point in the relationship where she couldn’t show up as an advocate for herself and what she needed. But, there was light at the end of the tunnel:

“That trauma made it possible for me to take a step out of the busyness that I had created for myself in my life and grow in ways that I wouldn’t have been able to. I always try to have a growth mindset and appreciate all circumstances in this life.” -Annabelle

Additionally, it led her to finally getting together with her best friend of 7 years and current partner, who was able to show up for her emotionally at her toughest time.

How did you go from being best friends to dating?

“I realized I was chasing this idea of love from Disney, I thought this guy is gonna show up out of nowhere, sweep me off my feet and we’ll live happily ever after while we talk about our trauma together” -Annabelle

While they were just friends, her current boyfriend had been in a toxic on and off relationship for 4 years. She told him you need to cut this out of your life or I can’t allow you to come to me crying. Whenever he came to her for advice, she felt like she was talking to a brick wall because she’d give advice and he’d ignore it.

“I told him, if you ever think we’re gonna date you need to get a handle on yourself and learn how to love yourself and respect yourself.” -Annabelle

With her dad passing away, he was able to show up for her in the way she needed. He cried with her on the couch, something she had only done with her sisters and mom, and she felt safe, taken care of and seen through the hardest time of her life. That changed the depth of the relationship. He kissed her out of no where, she freaked out about the risk of the friendship, and he patiently waited for her to make up her mind.

“He said he just loves me and would be in my life even if I don’t want to date him.” -Annabelle

What are some examples where you’ve become aware of your triggers and communicated with your partner effectively?

Annabelle has started to become more aware on if she’s just trying to create drama or if there’s actually a problem. She gives us an example of when her boyfriend was moving a lot slower to get ready then she would have liked, how she got really angry, and how they ended up laughing about it in the end.

“You have to be able to take a step back and ask yourself if there’s something going on underneath that. It’s so important to be able to communicate that to your partner. It really helps if they understand and get you, and know when it’s not real, and be ok with it.” -Annabelle

When your avoidant or anxious triggers come up, how to you talk yourself back to secure?

Sophie shares how when she feels triggered, her inclination is to just pack up and leave, which is similar to how conflict was addressed growing up in her household.

She has learned to hear the voice that says, “Are you sure that’s what you really want to do?” and learn to face it and communicate what’s going on. It also helps her to think about the relationship you WANT to be in. How do you resolve conflict in the relationship that you WANT to be in?

For Annabelle, she says she’ll feel a tightness in her chest, close to rage, and wants to explode. She knows it’s not effective. She has to think… “What do you actually want? Are you being mistreated? Do you feel safe? If it’s not those things, what is it about this scenario that’s actually bothering you?”

More in this episode

Sophie talks about the most important thing she’s learned from these secure relationships she now has in her life with her partner and friends. They also discuss what are the most helpful things other partners/friends have done to support them in their moments of healing and processing sexual trauma. If you have someone in your life going through something similar, this is a great episode to listen to!

“If you’re going to be dating in that instance, own your healing, know that no one is going to be able to save you and make these wounds go away. Do the work that only you can do.” -Sophie

Connect with Annabelle:

http://www.annabelledura.com/
http://letterstomylittlesisters.com/
Instagram: @letterstomylittlesisters

Connect with Sophie and Love Intently

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