Making Love Work Across Borders with KC McCormick Ciftci [Podcast EP 45]

KC and her husband Huseyin felt alone in their journey going through the immigration process as an intercultural couple. That’s why KC created a community and podcast for cross cultural couples.

Being in a cross-cultural relationship is a wonderful and extremely challenging experience that your friends in same or similar cultural relationships won’t understand. Nothing can really prepare you for the types of problems and differences you may encounter when you’re in an intercultural relationship. You’re not taught in school how to communicate effectively in this type of relationship (or in any relationship, for that matter!). Not many people have been in the exact same position as you. Especially when you are trying to figure out the immigration process, it can feel very overwhelming and lonely. This is why KC McCormick Çiftçi created Borderless Stories.

KC McCormick Çiftçi is the creator of Borderless Stories, a community and podcast for cross-cultural couples who are feeling alone and overwhelmed in the process of immigration and getting married. The idea was created because KC went through this process herself along with her now husband who is from Turkey. At that time, she couldn't find very many helpful resources or other couples in the same situation. It was a very stressful and lonely time filled with worries and doubts. They didn't have anyone to turn to who could truly understand the situation because they've been through it.

In episode 45 of the Love Intently Podcast, KC shares her story of how she met her husband when she went to Turkey to study English. We also talk about what kinds of challenges they've had in their relationship due to cultural differences and how they overcame them. And of course, their journey of immigrating her husband to the US and getting married (three times!), and more about Borderless Stories.

How do people in Intercultural Relationships even meet?

KC and her husband Huseyin met as coworkers, like many other couples do, except they were teaching English in Turkey! KC is from the United States and Huseyin is from Turkey.

Like any other couple really, but typically one or both of them are living in a foreign country at the time. KC and her husband met as coworkers, very normal! Except they just so happened to be teaching English in Turkey. KC is from the States while her husband is from Turkey, but the city they were working in was new for him.

What’s even more interesting about their story is that neither one of them had had any other prior dating experience. Therefore, they didn’t have any preconceived notions of what dating or a relationship should be like. Wouldn’t that be nice!!

They started out as just friendly coworkers, but feelings began to build as they realized they just “get” each other. They say it felt very natural, easy and relaxed when they spent time together.

We interviewed another intercultural couple on Episode 36 of the Love Intently podcast, a girl from America and a guy from New Zealand, you can hear their story here!

But what about the language barrier? How can you connect with someone on a deeper level in a second language?

Well, her husband was an English teacher, so luckily this wasn’t a big issue. KC also studies Turkish, but it is extremely difficult for her to learn. She does struggle with communicating on a deeper level with his parents who don’t speak any English but she is putting in her best effort, and the family appreciates that. All relationships come with compromise, and this is a very unique compromise for intercultural couples.

KC and her husband share great relationship tips for couples on their Instagram @borderlessstoriespodcast. For example, they use @datenightinbox for date nights when they just wanna stay home but still have lots of fun. This box’s theme was “throwba… — KC and her husband share great relationship tips for couples on their Instagram @borderlessstoriespodcast. For example, they use @datenightinbox for date nights when they just wanna stay home but still have lots of fun. This box’s theme was “throwback” where they got to play MASH and try a Rubix cube. Oh the memories!!

It doesn’t end up so much being the actual barrier of language, but the cultural differences that can cause misunderstandings.

What kind of cultural differences caused misunderstandings?

Sometimes it’s funny, lighter stuff like differences in their views on cures for the common cold. Sometimes it’s more difficult things to work through like how money should be saved and spent.

One situation KC recalls in particular was that her husband kept asking her to do more things around the house, and she perceived that as him imposing a gender role on her as a woman. As it turned out, he was actually asking her to be an equal contributor because she wasn’t really doing her part.

This is a reason why intercultural relationships can be so wonderful and challenging at the same time, because you are constantly having to communicate your perspective and perception and understand someone else’s point of view. It forces you to realize your biases, stereotypes, and beliefs that you start to realize may not be your own, but imposed on you by your culture.

How do they work through these differences?

Whatever the issue is, it generally boils down to communication issues.

“You can’t try and hint at what you’re saying, thinking, feeling. You have to do whatever you can to express yourself and be clear about what it is. That’s true about everything.” -KC McCormik Çiftçi

You have to be careful of not to play the games. You can’t respond “Everything’s fine” when your partner asks what’s wrong, when everything is not really fine. This is true about any relationship.

KC says it has been helpful to just really talk things out and communicate about exactly what they are thinking and feeling. This way, the next time your partner does something that bothers you, you start to first consider their perspective rather than jumping to conclusions and getting angry with them.

KC gives some great advice for cross cultural couples about what to expect and how to mentally prepare for one person having to live far away from their family.

But logistically, where do they live? Someone has to give up being near family, right?

Something that is very different from a regular couple in the dating phase to an intercultural couple in the dating phase, is that you really need to think about the future much earlier on. You need to explore the potential deal breakers up front, like where to live. Both KC and her husband are very close with their families. They ultimately decided they would live in the States first for a while, but sometime down the road they’d live in Turkey for a while.

This is tricky territory because of course if you’re not careful, resentment can build.

“The one who’s not in your own country, you have to think, ‘I’m here for me, not for you. I chose to be here, this is a good thing for me. I get to be in a new place with new people.’ Rather than feeling like you did this for someone else.” -KC McCormik Çiftçi

Soooo what’s the actual process for someone from a different country to legally move semi-permanently to a new country?

Immigration is FUN!

Said no one ever. This is a long, grueling process filled with doubt and uncertainty. Your situation will also vary depending on what country they’re coming from. For KC and her husband, they started the paperwork process in May 2016, and he arrived in the US in December. There’s a TON of paperwork involved, and KC remembers at least $1,200 being spent.

During this time, KC remembered feeling very lonely because no one could really relate to her specific situation. But this is exactly why KC created Borderless Stories, to guide couples through the process.

What is Borderless Stories?

KC created Borderless Stories to celebrate intercultural couples and provide them with resources and information on the immigration process.

At first it started as just a blog to share her own personal experiences because she couldn’t find anything like this online back when she had so many questions about this kind of relationship. Then, KC started working 1-1 with women in intercultural relationships.

“It’s amazing how relieved they feel when I say, ‘I understand how you feel’. instead of, ‘that’s weird’. I’ve never had people as excited to work with me.” -KC McCormik Çiftçi

Now, it’s a full-blown membership community. She wants other couples like her and her husband to know that they are not alone, and that there’s no definite black and white, right and wrong answer for a lot of things.

You can head to the Borderless Stories website where you can become a member of the community, where you'll have access to:

-Monthly classes on various issues unique to the community

-Monthly hot seat live coaching opportunities

-An engaged, exclusive community, accessible by browser or app

-Challenges and discounts available only to Borderless Community members

Be sure to check out the Borderless Stories podcast too to hear from KC and her husband, as well as other multicultural couples and experts. It's truly an amazing community that so many couples have been searching for!